I’m in Palm Springs for the weekend and I’m grateful. It was the fuel in my fire this week that all I had to do was make it to Friday, make it on the plane, and make it to Palm Springs. I needed out, I needed rest and yesterday was such a good day. I got CBTL with my dad, I had quiet time, I read a lot, I rested outside, I played tennis (but my heart wasn’t in it) and I went shopping. The only downfall of the evening is when I watched two to three hours of Greys instead of watching/talking/reading with my dad. Greys was when all the things started to go bad yesterday. If I put off what I know I need to do for a TV show, I know something is wrong. I know that my actions aren’t matching up with my values because family comes first. Instead, the second I turned that show on the worry started sinking in. If I have no good reason not to do the work I am assigned and am not going to rest, I need to get my butt in gear and get to work.
Weeks 1-9 have taken it out of me and after not getting to bed before midnight last night and waking up to play tennis at 9am, I realize I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. I’ve been able to hold on with an average of 7.5 hours of sleep every night and a daily does of caffeine, but I’m spent. Time in Palm Springs has helped me realize and become really, really aware that I am just done. I’m tired. I don’t want to work hard anymore or use self-discipline or try my best on another assignment. I want to stay in Palm Springs, I don’t want to get on a plane tonight and go back. But I have to. I have to go back to school, I have to finish and finishing strong is my choice. It’s all a choice. I have to realize what is under my control and what isn’t. Going back? Not under my control. Taking finals and turning in assignments? Not my choice. HOW I do all those things? Fully my choice.
So this morning, I decided to try to live stream Bethany instead of going to mass because I knew I would go at 9pm tonight. Rest. I’m letting it sink in that on average I have three extra hours in a day than I think I do because somehow I’ve made time for that much Grey’s Anatomy over the past nine days. That’s THREE WHOLE HOURS. I have time to get my work done before it’s 8:50pm and the reality of what time it is and what I have left to do sets in. I have freedom and I have time to get my work done earlier and a lot faster, I just need to make it happen. This is hard, it’s not easy, and I’m worried I’ll feel really empty today without listening to Bethany’s live streaming since it went down and will have too much to do to go to the 9pm mass tonight which will make it really hard to go to sleep on time. Oh well, it’s all a choice and so is my attitude. Here’s to giving it my best when I don’t know how to give anymore.