Today was my first day of work and I’m so thankful for the transition. So much happened in June. I counted down the days until June 12th, I woke up in my own bed on June 13th, and spent 18 days trying to rest and feel like myself again. I needed those eighteen days to rest, to sleep in, to go to Pure Barre almost five times a week, to refuel. I had learned how to take control and thrive in my college environment, but I had lost feeling like myself in the process. I don’t know the cause and I think in this scenario it’s okay I don’t know why, but I’ve been living in confident hope and abundant grace.
Yesterday I could not stop thinking about how I had not done enough with my eighteen days. I thought of how I needed to read more, or go on more adventures, bake or cook more than spaghetti sauce from scratch and so many other things in between. But those days were filled with rest, grace and freedom that I so desperately needed. I poured myself out to empty in Santa Clara and I needed those days to fill me back up again. I needed to let go of the expectations I had for myself and adjust back to life at home. I filled those days to the best of my ability and I don’t regret it. I loved Pike Place, Macrina, Hello Robin, The Walrus & the Carpenter, walking to the Highlands beach, walking the Highlands with Cali, John and Thor, attending SING Worship Night at Bethany, spending time with my family, Pure Barre and EvolutionFresh smoothies, and a lot of downtime. I’m learning and doing as much as I can with what I’ve been given, as patiently as possible, to feel like myself again.
I’m not quite there yet as I find myself lacking a driving force or motive to what I’m doing. But right now I don’t feel alive and joyful every second of every day. I’m choosing in the midst of feeling a bit numb and less fully alive than I’ve felt before to fill myself with the things that do make me come alive. I needed work today, and will for the next two months, to show me how gratifying learning is after feeling defeated by it again and again this past school year. There is satisfaction and joy found in a hard job well-done. I need the interaction that I find all day in the kind people I work with who make me laugh and smile more than I have since I left school. These conversations with people that aren’t my family are so good for me. I may not know what exactly I need to be doing right now, but I’m taking what I’ve been given and squeezing as much grace out of it as possible.
Today alone I found time in God’s Word before going to work by waking up at 6am. I felt satisfied in learning new tasks at work. I found time to read at lunch outside with blue skies and sunshine all around me. I drove home in the best mood I’ve had since I was at school—it was time for the long afternoons at home doing nothing to go and my days to be more structured. I feel value in the time that I have outside of work to fill it with the things that matter. Not countless minutes scrolling Instagram, but intentional choices to go to book it to Pure Barre after work or see friends. I may not have been ready to start working again last night, but I’m so thankful that it’s been just what I needed. I’m going back to something and an environment I know and that is just what I need in this season. God is so good.